Before the 27th

They say that deeper existential thoughts come across every year around one’s birthday. Unfortunately, I am not an exception. They also say many contradicting things about what one should do with those thoughts, how one is ought to react on them, to share them or not and so on. Well, I have never been a fan of “what other think and say about me” and I will not give in this time. So here’s what I think (yes, it is because my birthday is approaching and no, I am not fishing for greetings J )

The question that I ask myself every year, usually in June and July is: what have I done to be proud of myself. There are two ways to answer this: a) to actually find thing which have been achieved and make me feel good about myself. I.e. I completed one more year of studies. And b) to think what could have gone wrong, but didn’t. The second way of looking at this question is very likely, however, not very helpful if I am honest. If I think – oh, I could have been jobless, but I am not and that is positive – it secretly drives me nuts and makes me feel like a looser and the one who should be happy with what she’s got and not strive for more. On the other hand, yes, I should be happy that I have a job instead of living out of someone else’s hard work. Furthermore, if I allow myself to even think a glimpse about all those billions of people who live worse… tears come into my eyes and feel miserable – about myself and them. Ambivalent, I know.

So what have I achieved throughout my 26th year and what could have I done better.

  • I seriously moved out from my home country – still am not sure how I feel about it.
  • I moved in to a country that I happen not to like – trying to work on this, because I don’t like to have negative emotions especially about general things, such as nations. You know, it is difficult not to like something that you can’t change.
  • Kept building a relationship with a loved one by making changes within – damn hard work and not sure about the level of success.
  • Passed all papers and exams at the university now only looking forward to completing MA thesis – could have done better, could have been more engaged, could have gone to the end and pushed both myself and the others to do the right thing.
  • Made some beautiful and capturing pictures – I love the feeling of wanting to make pictures, I love expressing thoughts visually.
  • Furnished an 82 m2 apartment and didn’t get into fight about it once with my loved one, however got into fights with him about other totally stupid things and that is something I am mostly ashamed of.
  • Was very happy for some of my friends (or people whom would be difficult to call friends according to my strict definitions, so simply people that I know) – yet showed it too little.
  • Felt useless and lonely, disappointing and disappointed, jealous – not very proud of those things, on the bright side, I don’t give up and keep fighting those feelings.
  • Took a job where I proved to speak quite good Danish – the fact that I earn money with the skill that I developed when I was 16 and not with any education or professional experience makes me think that I am doing something wrong.

And there are plenty more, starting with: wasn’t good enough, didn’t do enough, was too lazy and made an elephant of a fly too often… but let them rest with my consciousness, maybe one day I’ll forgive myself for that.

The other day, I heard Lady Gaga (!!!) saying that we should love ourselves, because we are the only thing we’ve got and I realized how much painful truth this phrase bears. I guess my task for the future is to come to terms with this fact – I’ve got only myself and everything around me is simply something that I cling to. And I don’t want to cling to anything that isn’t needed or that doesn’t need me.

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