Running away traps you even more – how ironic

13 kovo, 2012 09:34 (IN ENGLISH, My beliefs)

You know, how wise or simply well read people say that you cannot run away from your problems by simply changing the physical location… Yes, I know that too, I’ve heard it so many times, and, I have actually uttered those words myself with a very confident believe that I would never do the same. What a shame or simply “shame” – as South Africans love to say (so I’ve learned here).

I am now confessing to myself that I have done this mistake of running, yet I have this weird self-defense mechanism even from my own self, that tells me to keep convincing myself that even this mistake hasn’t been too bad. You know, I actually don’t regret this mistake. Weird, ha? I take it as something that should have happened. I am actually wondering why I have been such a coward to throw myself out there earlier down the road… Yet again, I actually don’t regret anything from the past. I am just afraid of the future. Logically I could state that the fact that I don’t regret the past make my decisions hold and it would mean that whatever I decide now will probably not make me regret it later (according to the past and present experiences), nevertheless, I’m freaking out. Why do I feel like certain decisions are simply crucial and extremely important to the future? Why do I give prominence to these decisions now, that I am forcing myself to make? Uf, too many questions and too few answers. Anyone?
I feel like I’m living the phrases of wisdom – the other one says – you will not be able to make another person happy or love someone as long as you’re not in peace and love with yourself… I’m still teasing this one, not really sure how far I can go with it, but I guess the day I day, I will at least be able to honestly tell you the truth – weather it worked or not. My main question in this case is – how do I know if I love myself enough (is there enough?) and when is the point when I’m in peace with myself? Because I feel that some of the most essential needs that I have (or at least I think, I do) is to be in a constant growth, movement, maybe even a little of flouncing… How does it go together with stable social process of life circle – birth, growth, education, love, family, house, children, constant job, retirement, death?

You know, recently, I’ve been lucky to meet quite a special 18 year old guy. I told him I could praise him in his CV and none of it would be a lie. The reason why I’m mentioning this is that without even knowing it, he sometimes threw such pearls of simple wisdom and insights that it brought me down to my mental knees and I just felt like giving in for that second. Where do you come from, people? Who and what makes you so wonderful?! On the other hand, there is nothing but joy that fills me when I meet someone so young and so special, naively enough, the ration of hope against pessimism rises and calms my existential fear for the world and myself down…

Some people tell me, that I’ve been lucky to be where I am in life and to do what I do (whatever that would be). I tend to agree and what I’m about to spill out might sound as teasing the destiny, however I raise these questions and I believe they are valid. Yes, I agree that being born in a African rural area would most probably mean good bye life above the first couple of steps of Maslow, but if I exclude the extremes like that (it doesn’t sound right to say that these are extremes when I’m actually living in a place where these things are normality…, but the Europeans hopefully will understand me) – I end up thinking that every single person I know, could achieve and do whatever he/she wants (ok, maybe except my beloved Palestinians). All it takes is courage and, I would claim, education in depth, probably this goes on top for me. I haven’t discovered yet why and how come I believe in this, but the feeling that education is crucial doesn’t abandon me. And when I say “education”, I actually mean a very broad philosophical, psychological, academic, moral, non religious system of thinking. Have I just said something opposing? Catch me if you can 

You can and should do whatever you feel is right and I believe that it will be the closest call to make you happy and make your life much better (in terms of inner feelings). Be brave, go after your wildest imaginations – what is there to loose? Well yes, money could be an issue, but how much do we need to truly and deeply be happy? Go out and explore and then you will have no reason to envy the ones who do it.

Oh no, now I’ve started preaching, sorry. I spent two weeks with young people that had their ears turned to me and it felt so good to talk to them, even though, most probably, they will not remember much of what I’ve said. But if not to do what you can when you actually have the position to do it – with an excuse that they will not remember, it’s not my job to teach them etc – then what is the point of our ability to communicate, analyze, share, learn?

*****
I’m sorry, I know, most people have been waiting for a proper update about my experience in South Africa and here I come with some blurry existential palaver, but I believe that after this being let out, I will have more peace and energy to write about things down to earth.
Meanwhile, enjoy some pictures 

Always yours, wherever I am, G.