What chord is that – minor or major?

I’m falling into insensibility, numbness, apathy… I don’t know if it is because I am overloaded with my life – recent and current events, experiences, shifts… or is it because I’m getting older and loosing the senses, taste for life..? No, I don’t want to be pessimistic, so I’ll just stick to the first hypothesis – that it is an overload and it is a good thing. Better than the opposite.
You know, when I think about it, I still probably do more than an average homo sapiens, but I have to look for them as most of my friends, acquaintances, FB faces seem to be very active, eating life with full mouths and going forward. Well, that forward is straight to death, but it at least feels like forward…
Maybe my life also seems very rich and full and it is. I guess, it all depends on who is looking at it and “judging” it. If I do it, then things don’t look so well…
The last 7 months have been a rollercoaster.
First, last summer, my inner peace (if there was one) got disturbed by my partner for the last few years – he needed freedom. Well, freedom it is. I guess, easier done that could have been imagined. So the freedom (from him) has been achieved by me as well.
The route lead to Palestine. And I cannot be more grateful to life for that… October, November, December – Palestine. It still feels as if I lived double during those three months, maybe even triple. Alive on all levels of existence. Alive on “welt-schmertz”, alive on usefulness and alive on touching life… I wish there was a stronger word than THANK YOU… I feel the need to use it to every single person that I met there… Mostly, people don’t even realize how special they are and how trapped in external circumstances their lives are, but nevertheless, a fire is to be found in each one of them. I was showing some photos of Palestinian guys to a 17 year old from Chile and the first thing she noticed, was how deep, passionate and full of sorrow and pain their eyes are… There is definitely something with their eyes… Is it really a mirror of the soul..? I am not sure yet what exactly touched me so much, but I can honestly say there is an urge inside of me to come back. And I will. I’ve been sending my thoughts that way. A lot. I believe in the power of positive thinking  Many people ask me – why? Why do you want to go to a country from which people flee? They also say, that there are more troubles in the world than Palestine… But it is maybe love… When you fall in love, you’re blind… to the beauty, to the annoying habits, to all the red flashing signs that this one is not for you… and yet you still try…
My ego flourishes. I want to be useful and needed. I want my phone to ring and people to come. I know, we all do, but I somehow have a fear that I’m more infected with this… On top of that, my abnormality is that at the end of the day, I repudiate most of the people who get “too close”…
January was crazy – couple of days in London, two weeks in Amsterdam and one week back home, in Vilnius. It flew. Emotions, people, activities, people, people, people… feelings… It is a bizarre feeling when you don’t know what is going to happen, but you expect and try to prepare yourself for certain situations. Preparing oneself should mostly be carried out on an emotional level… because that’s what matters the most and hurts the most…
January the 30th – off to Johannesburg. WHAT?! I mean really. Really?! Ok, South Africa, here I come  To be fair, I must say that I didn’t have time nor energy to think a lot in advance. It seemed so far away – time, distance, expectations, that I didn’t bother. I thought – I’ll come and see, there is no need to waist time and energy on fantasizing about this near future (oh, I wish I could stick to this rule more often).
So I arrive. The term here is 3 months at the office and 3 weeks traveling around. Out of those 3 months, I was traveling with work for 1 month (with breaks). Best “business” trips ever! I got to see, feel, smell, touch almost all layers (definitely the majority of the nation) of this rainbow society. YFU (Youth For Understanding) has been in my life since year 2000… and I had forgotten how much I believe in what it does (or supposed to do…). So yes, I have been working for YFU South Africa all those 3 months. I’ve gain the trust, showed what I can do and should be doing and was making myself useful. It hasn’t all been blossoms though (just like anywhere else) – I’ve been censored, I’ve been sickened to actual physical sickness by people’s narrow mindedness and absolutely disgusting prejudices, hypocrisy, lies and lack of determination (important – this cuts across all races, belonging to organizations, social classes, education etc.). This country is wounded and has a latent illness… Unfortunately, it is contagious. I’ve seen with my own eyes, teenagers from Europe being affected by it. The mission is not to give in.
I spent 2 weeks in a rural area of eastern SA, Mpumalanga province. The locals call these places “townships”, but not loudly and not officially. Township is a rural periphery where the black nation lives. The life there is deprived. It is deprived of everything what you can think of (maybe, except human desires and urges). Taking the material necessities of the 21st century like running water, electricity, clothing, food etc, extending to qualified doctors, teachers, other services… Some of those people have never seen a white person. And I know the feeling… I still remember when I was 14 and I saw “my” first black person…in Switzerland.. I thought I was gonna cry of happiness… I then did not know yet what does being black and white mean in this world… It hit me much later, but I have to admit, I am still pushing the common knowledge away…
Those two weeks I “took care” of 25 European teenagers that have been placed in 25 local families and went to local schools. This was a challenge for them. And I was so occupied by their experiences that I even at times forgot that I am also living in a house “without nothing”, in a family that has “nothing”… Yet this realization did not bother me at all… What bothered me much more was the fact that the history teacher, who claimed his interest in Russian history… asked me if I could explain to him (because he is confused) – weather Russia is one country or many… What bothered me, was the fact that every single person is soooo extra super religious, but can not tell me why his preacher is taking the last money that he got to feed his children and buying a new suit… What bothered me, was the fact that everybody knows about AIDS/HIV and has sex, but once you ask if they use condoms – they start giggling as 5 year olds…
There were many things that bothered me, but I guess books are written about them, studies are made and researches conducted…
Now the time in the office of YFU SA has almost come to an end. Reports written, suggestions made, presentations done, talks talked. Parallel to that, many hours of chats with my “new” friends, whose support or just the capacity to cheer me up, I necessitated so much…
The three weeks ahead – the traveling ones – is going to be a test, can I manage with my emotions and thoughts and direct myself to purely looking at the beautiful nature, experiencing the country as a tourist and suppressing all weird things that might come up due to the baggage that my companions in travel will bring along…
I hope to be successful. Yet the best part is… even if I fail in this, I still have the rest of my life to be happy 


7 Komentaras

  1. Samed Wasef said,

    balandžio 29, 2012 at 16:42

    Live your life, be happy, chose what you want to chose and do not let others chose it for you or even give a comment about it but if so do not listen just continue your way without turning back !!
    Life is like school we are all students…but you know what its good ??
    It’s good to understand its lessons and try to avoid mistakes in future 😀 😀
    Be strong as always, do not think you are getting older because your soul is still young and wants to start experiencing new things daily !
    I really like your words 😀 always when you have a bad feeling just hold you small computer and write because it will release bad feelings and makes you happy 😀

  2. rascallt said,

    balandžio 29, 2012 at 19:35

    Here and now vs. future the distant one – this battle is in all of us. Possibility for the latter to win is a sign of maturity.
    Best of luck! 🙂

  3. Liz said,

    balandžio 30, 2012 at 18:02

    Tiesiog nuostabu, Spindulėli, kaip pilnatviškai gyveni, patiri ir jauti. Tegu gyvenimas per Tave teka neskaudžiai, tegu šviesa, kuri esi, visad nušviečia Tavo nenuspėjamus kelius. Gero vėjo! 🙂

  4. arnas said,

    balandžio 30, 2012 at 20:18

    As manau bus puiki kelione, kitaip ir negali buti. Susitvarkysim su viskuo!

  5. balandžio 30, 2012 at 22:55

    You will never be a tourist again and that is a good thing! Your soul is beautiful and out of the matrix of control 😉 Being on that path as you are (or I am) is damn hard! But we gonna make it sooner or later! Buckiai. Eugenija

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