About my trust…

… or rather, to make it simple – how can one gain my trust. It’s not so easy, don’t be mistaken. People (especially men, southern hot blooded men) like to say that “I’m not like the others“ and get offended by the fact that somebody might see them similar to some other specimen… but I wanna say – there are probably minority of the people who have it so difficult to gain trust in someone as I do (and that is actually very good!).

So listen, you ask for my trust and these are just words. To a certain extent I trust everyone which makes life so much easier, because I don’t recount the change that I get or do not double check everything that everyone says – the common things… but once you say “trust me“ – it gets very tricky. Once someone asks me – can I trust you (as in – Gaby), my normal response is – no, please, don’t. I cannot trust myself, how can I invite someone else to trust me..? At the end of the day, everyone who I trusted happened to fool themselves with it and consequently – me. What is the point of deep trust? Deep, “life saving“ trust? To my mind and my short experience in life – it actually should not exist… Only I am responsible for my thoughts, emotions and actions, only I should take consequences of my feeling towards someone else, right? I should not blame someone that I trusted that someone and he/she fooled me… I mean – fool me once, it’s on you; fool me twice – it’s totally on me…
Now the deeper you fall “in“, the longer the fall “out“ is and I say, it is very tiring to be constantly falling in and out – mental note to myself – gotta stop doing it so radically…
I don’t know if more people asked me to trust them (which immediately is worrying, because people should just act trustworthy and not verbalize the wish) or I simply jumped to a conclusion myself, that I can trust them, but it has been too much and I now will deprive myself from a blind trust, especially in the area of emotional dialogue. Cuz it f***ing destroys me every time and I am not getting younger, so gotta preserve my emotional state, nah?
Do you think that the fact that I will trust you will prevent me from seeing how much you’ve screwed up? Unfortunately, i do not loose my mind like this… I loose my mind in pain and disappointment then, but not in seeing clearly how much a person has screwed up. Yes, I do posses high standards and yes it makes it all more difficult for myself, but i’m not gonna loose my idealistic thinking just because “you“ (you in this case can be more or less everything) screw up every time…
So listen to me carefully, you want my trust, act like it. Be there, do not disappear, do not ask for something that is written on a water, that is in your moment and doesn’t last (we all know it won’t last). Do not ask me to trust you and do not trust me, just be… Is that too difficult for you? To just be? To just do things according to your true feelings and your own morality? Well, then I’m sorry, what can I do? I am not your savior… you gotta be your own savior and you cannot ask the others to chip in with something you think you need…

trust actions
Well all have to do it on our own or at least be 100% honest with ourselves and as much as possible honest with the other. Truth hurts, but it is the only way to be satisfied with yourself and the reality. So come clean. Come. Clean. I can help you wash yourself but that is the most I can do…
I am washing myself from hurt, distrust and disappointment…


2 Komentaras

  1. moh said,

    gruodžio 1, 2013 at 19:19

    nice way of telling how trust have to be

    • myliupasauli said,

      gruodžio 1, 2013 at 20:55

      Thank you… I do believe this should be in everyone’s understanding, not only in people whom I care about…

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