There are these striking moments in life that define the rest of your flow…they keep accumulating and once in a while they take a shape of relief (if one is lucky) and burst out…now in my case the burst outs might take various shapes and forms…this time it is an emotional realization based on my day and night dreams, my physical and emotional experiences, my touches and looks, my imagination and alternative reality that I sometimes dive into.
NB: The characters and events in this fictional story are alive only in my head and nowhere else.
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It’s that moment when you spot a FB post of someone you secretly liked (but never hoped for anything) saying “Good morning“ and sharing a photo of two cups of coffee and fresh orange juice…
It is also that moment when someone you openly like keeps sending you emoticon kisses on whatsapp but it very clearly dawns on you that nothing ever will evolve between you two except occasional overwhelming sex…and that only until he finds what he is looking for – a loving and devoted wife…
It is that moment when somebody you used to like is not in your every day thoughts and that makes you sad… that makes you think you’re incapable of dedication, loyalty and love… and only when ou think deep and long you realize that this mere realization is a moment of truth. Stop lying to yourself. You want to be needed. You need to be needed regardless of the subject… You will not tell him the loss of a feeling because you need to be needed. That is the naked truth…
It is this bitter-sweet moment when your legs belonging to your naked body are entangled with his legs belonging to his strong, powerful, never ending and passionate castle of muscles… when his phone rings and there you have it – his beloved wife from the other side of the world calls to wish a good night and passes the phone to their beautiful daughters who cry for daddy and he responds with tears in his eyes…:“my loves..I miss you so much…sweet dreams…“… I rest my head on his back and know that he is going to turn around in a second and kiss me… Kiss me with guilt and passion…kiss me with a clear understanding and appreciation of the precious “here and now“ moment…
I am free and at ease to know that I do not belong to anyone, I am embracing whoever I want, regardless of his belonging to someone else… I embrace you now – my sweet, caring, overwhelmingly full and deep lover. We share these moments and through them we broaden our worlds which will take completely opposite directions tomorrow and will never meet again. Yet the experiences, unconditional happiness of those entangled moments will forever stay deeply hidden in one of those secret memory shelfs…
It is one of those moments when almost everybody around you needs to make a call before taking a decision whereas you just have a short debate with yourself and are able to give a needed answer….
A moment…when you make your dream travel plans based on the dreams that will never come true but it doesn’t make you sad nor powerless… it is my never ending and never realizing dreams. It is my body that gives and takes, that carries me to my daydreams, my lovers, my future pains and joys. It is my heart and soul that will never ask anyone to be a part of my decision and action…
These are the exact moments which bring the feeling of meaningless belonging and lonely independence. These are the moments when a woman like myself is inclined to stand on her own two feet stronger and trust her guts more. That is exactly when I know – I am not lying to myself. All I am is a gallipot for life…life passes through me and I enjoy every bit of it with my body, soul and brain….
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